Testing: 1,2,2017

Happy New Year – that’s what people say when January rolls around, right?

I had full and honest intentions to write something for New Year’s Day – you know, to mark the occasion or whatever. 2017 had other plans – so long story short, as is plain to see, that did not happen.

This is going to be a quick one, just to say, essentially, that I’m not dead.

I have my first exam since starting university in three hours. English Literature. I figured that as I’ve tired of flash reading tragedies I’d get the juices running and write something now. It’s going to be total shit (say sorry), but the hope is to get my system clear ahead of time. If you care for cutting through the dressing, I’m doing this to kill some time and procrastinate. I’ve always preferred to wing it and rely on what I know anyway. Does that sound irresponsible? Trust me, I’ll be fine.

mybodyisready

In terms of news, I have abandoned the use of Facebook for personal means. This caused some panic as I gave no warning of this and, in conjunction with getting a new number recently, a fair few people have been unable to reach me or find out why I had disappeared off their radar. I maintain it was a positive choice as I find that I barely check social media for mindless scrolling purposes now, and am generally more productive with my time. Think, if I hadn’t removed the distraction, I may not have managed to get a few days of revision squeezed in before my exams.

Anyway, wish me luck. I’m more or less ‘awake’ now, and have very little else to share. So….

 

 

Listening To: Final Fantasy IX OST

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Image Source: Google Images, Giphy

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This is a Sick Joke (Say It Ain’t So)

There are some things you really don’t want to learn by text message.
Each delay between messages is too long, not to mention the trend these days of sending fragments of your message a piece at a time (yeah, sure, it’s totally just building suspense…). I don’t normally share this sort of personal thing, but here’s the roller coaster ride I just got strapped into without warning.
I’m still reeling….
——–
HER:
I remember my dad telling me distance only makes the heart grow stronger… or something along those lines.
 ME:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder? 
HER:
Yes, that. 😊
 ME:
Haha it’s a good saying, but it depends on how strong you feel and how mature you are – absence can also make the heart sluttier 😂 but I don’t think that one applies to you.
HER: 
I did do a bad thing though…
 
The night after you left.
 
I was afraid to tell you
 
I still feel dirty.
ME:
Don’t be – just be honest. 
HER:
I was gonna wait until you got back but…
ME:
Hey – relax and just say what you need to say.
HER:
I don’t want to ruin us.
ME: 
If you keep a secret that eats you up like this it will ruin us. All I ever asked of you is to be honest with me.
So be brave.
HER:
Okay. 
Hear me out please…
 ME:
Go on – I won’t interupt.
HER:
OK well…
 
After you left
 
I just had this urge
 
I told myself I’d wait for you
 
But I couldn’t do it
 
So
 
Late that night
 
I snuck out
 
And well
 
I went to Five Guys.
 
I brought it back to my place and watched It’s Always Sunny.
 
I’m sorry.
ME:
I just need a minute.
 
This is a lot to take in.
HER:
I still feel so dirty.
 
But it wasn’t the same without you.
 
I’ll never do it again I swear.
ME:
I thought what we had was special? How could you?
HER:
I have needs!!
ME:
I think we should eat different food for awhile – then we can talk about ‘us’.
HER:
I guess. If you think it’s for the best…
ME:
I do – I just need some time. I need to figure out if I can forgive you.
HER:
Jokes aside, I really did feel dirty.
ME:
Jokes aside, you’re the worst!
——
Credit where it’s due – She had me going for a while there. What kind of monster does that in the middle of the night? I’m really hungry now….
ijustlovehappyendings

Listening To: Candy Coated Fury – Reel Big Fish

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Image Source: Google Images

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A Girl Called Madness

I slept really badly last night. The kind of sleep in that, when thinking about it, you’re not sure about the parts of your ‘dream’ you were awake for, the parts you weren’t, and those parts when you dream in your dreams (elevator just hit B1) and you wake up feeling exhausted.

imtired

Anyway, At some point I got up and wrote the following down. I remember some of it really clearly, but I know there was more to this. It has given me an idea I might run with for the short story assignment I have due in for December – given I haven’t got anything else idea wise for it, it’s on the short list in any case. If it doesn’t make the cut, then I guess it will either end up here somewhere or get stored away in a mental toolbox.

 

Wake up after hearing banging. Convince self it wasn’t the sound of someone knocking and I was dreaming.

Thinking again, and have the vision of a girl banging her fists on my first floor window. She’s pretty, but there’s something wrong with her. It’s in her eyes. I just know this.

Half in sleep, the girl appears in the room and asked if I had heard about a monster in the night.

I see its silhouette and I understand it’s in my room with me – but I don’t care. I roll over.

I’m dreaming again – I think….

I’m in a classroom. I see the girl, but no one else does. She teaches me that I can unplug things to make them run. ‘Take away the power and things will work.’ 

I see all the plugs have been pulled loose, but all the computers are still on with glaring white screens. 

People don’t get why I’m laughing.

I don’t know why I’m laughing.

 

I forgot that I wrote this until I came back to my room about an hour ago and saw I had a Word document open. I wish I was subconsciously this proactive in recording lunacy and fantasy all the time. Maybe I should go back to sleep deprivation to fuel a fresh bout of crazy prose?

Speaking of, I had been thinking about what really constitutes madness over the last week or so. Ironically, I want to understand something that doesn’t follow rules or adhere to reason. So far, I can only say that it does seem to be a commonly a solitary path. I wonder if I will let go and walk it someday, or if I will find a reason to reaffirm my grip on reality. I’m not even sure why I’m so interested in tapping into a reservoir of insanity, or if it’s a good idea. I don’t think there’s much choice in it though, is there? Self-awareness is so overrated…. (B2 – Are we in too deep?)

happyendordeadend

I leave you with this – a quote that set the train of thought in motion (and later perhaps provoked this strange scrawl in the night):

“Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence– whether much that is glorious– whether all that is profound– does not spring from disease of thought– from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect.” – Edgar A. Poe

 

Listening To: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya OST

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Image Source: Google Images

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Dark Side of the Cheese

Definition courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy).

Addiction When you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.

lemmyThis may sound familiar. I have referenced this at least once before. It is one of the late Lemmy’s contributions to Nikki Sixx’s ‘The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rockstar‘.

There are a few words that have been drained of meaning from being thrown around too flippantly. Love, hate, depression, fuck (excusable on the grounds of incomparable versatility)…. Addiction is on this little list but despite the lack of social impact the word has now, it is often misunderstood and a lot of people throw the word around without understanding what addiction really is in any form. But then again, what do I know? Apparently you can be addicted to cheese. Not just in a psychological/behavioral nature either, but like a drug.

Cheese-Addiction

I didn’t start typing tonight because I had a bone to pick with cheese enthusiasts. It was just a thought that bloomed into a dairy-based idea.

I’d been thinking about the idea of addiction because I seem to be living on my phone at the moment with mobile games. I really don’t need to say why, right? I can’t seem to play games like these regularly and casually. If it’s regular play, I need to see progress. In the not too distant past, progress was measured by competitive play. Now, it’s measured in new entries in the Pokedex, or power levels and weekly results in Kingdom Hearts Ux.

I first started to be concerned  about a week ago when I made an active decision to put my phone away for awhile as I’d been playing for several hours in the house, and not to go out hunting Pokemon. I was lost for what to do. I couldn’t get myself together to write, I didn’t want to read or even move, and just lay on my bed for about an hour listening to music. In the end, I think I decided to catch up on Suits or something and did absolutely nothing productive in place of gaming. What was the point?

medalsThe second cause for concern was comparing medals with a friend last night. He went away for 10 days, and more or less always came out with me hunting. In the time he’d been away, I’d walked 110 kilometres, hatched 70 eggs and evolved about 60 Pokemon. He, nor any of my friends, have done nearly as much and I realised that this has become a real part of my daily routine. I don’t walk anywhere without it on!

I am trying to understand how these games are affecting my quality of life. I definitely feel healthier, and have barely noticed that I average 10k a day walking distance from doing barely anything before. However, the amount of concentrated work I do writing has suffered. I do still write (not quite daily) in one form or another, but when I look back and see how much I had done in my last sitting, it’s not as much as I’d want it to be (like I said, I’m all about progress).

I think that it has been seriously enabled by the fact all of my friends are doing it. That’s an understatement, everyone seems to be doing it. I’d say at least 40% of all the people I see in a day/night are walking around actively playing Pokemon GO at any time. I don’t think that I would have gotten so invested if it wasn’t so socially acceptable! I’m not trying to pin blame – I know what I’m like and all I needed was a little push.

So is a borderline (psychological/behavioral) addiction to mobile/video games less laughable than someone convinced their body will stop working without cheese input? (There is someone I made a habit of stealing cheese strings from: if you’re reading this and believe the above, then it definitely wasn’t Fred, and I’m not even sorry!). I don’t know. What I do know is that was enough to make me write something today. With this, my conscience has been cleared twofold.

 

P.S.: On the topic of Lemmy’s medical definitions, here are a couple more for your enjoyment:

CocainePeruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant that has the extraordinary effect that the more you do, the more you laugh out of context.
DepressionWhen everything you laugh at is miserable and you can’t seem to stop.

R.I.P Lemmy…

Listening To: New Maps of Hell – Bad Religion

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Image Source: Google Images, Pokemon GO (screenshot)

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Non-Smoking Area (A Prisoner’s Diary)

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Smokers mainly fall into two categories.

1) I need to smoke. I can’t give this up.

2) I can give up anytime – just so long as it’s next Tuesday.

I shamelessly admit to being in the latter party. I feel that I won’t bother to give up until I have a reason to, or at least some decent motivation that goes beyond financial benefit. However, sometimes a smoker is denied his/her fix. This can do strange things to a person.
7.35am

I’m awake in my friend’s house. I’ve been given instruction not to leave until midday as there are CCTV cameras likely being monitored and there are people in this house, myself included, who should not be here (the why of it is boring, so I’ll skim over that). As we were drinking until the early hours, I’m the first to wake up. I have to wait 4 hours and 25 minutes…

8.25am

Checked Facebook 4 times in 20 minutes… Pacing the kitchen in a vest and boxers, guzzling water. I’m too hot. Urgh….

8.40am

Sat with my feet in a shallow bath of cold water watching Netflix.

8.42am

There’s a tiny window open – could I smoke out of that? No I shouldn’t… Are there any windows to climb out of into blind spots? Fuck…

9.15am

I’ve run a full bath. I’m listening to ‘Merry X-Mas Everybody’ by Slade in the bath. This is Monday.

9.40am

I should give up smoking. Or maybe just cut down…

9.41am

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

9.55am

There’s an alarm going off outside. My mood advances to the state that would be best expressed by breaking something or knocking a small child’s ice cream from their hands… and I think I’ve used all of the hot water…. Whoops.

10.05am

Just found some expensive looking body wash. Looks a little too fancy for someone who still laughs at their own fart bubbles in the bath. What? That’s not me at all! And now I smell really good. Why am I telling you any of this?

10.09am

I want to smoke…. Getting out of this cold shitty bath….

10.26am

I think I’ve found a solution.

10.30am

Found my way into the drafty garage from the inside. Finally!

10.42am

Little bit of deodorant spray… and all better.


I’m still trapped for another hour and a half and no one else is awake, but I feel more human now. Well, as close as I get to human anyway. Thank you for killing my boredom and following through with my story of struggle, ingenuity and peril. I hope I slaked 5 minutes of your boredom too.

Listening To: Spooky Songs For Creepy Kids – Voltaire

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‘Born Anew’ – Lyrics Without Music

Just erase me, then, reanimate me. 

I’ve no stake here, I’ll take my leave dear,

Traverse the seas. Come fantasy

Farewell, adieu, I’m to be born anew.

Come now, I’ll show you how,

Won’t you see my world now?

 

Drain this mundane order, of its colour and its border,

And take my clear lure, for endless grandeur,

See dragon and tower, seek valour and power,

All mythic in kind, all born in mind,

What you leave behind, is what made you blind.

But with a sketch of the means, I will rule this dream,

And I will never wake, no, I will never wake, so…

 

Just erase me, then, reanimate me. 

I’ve no stake here, I’ll take my leave dear,

Traverse the seas. Come fantasy

Farewell, adieu, I’m to be born anew.

Come now, I’ll show you how,

Won’t you see my world now?

 

Come rain, come shine, I’ll make it mine,

I’m out to claim, all with no name,

With my heart on my sleeve, This dream I shall weave,

Without wings I fly, soar fantastic sky,

Jump without mind, leave it all behind,

 And with a sketch of the means, I will rule this dream,

And I will never wake, no, I will never wake, so…

 

Just erase me, then, reanimate me. 

I’ve no stake here, I’ll take my leave dear,

Traverse the seas. Come fantasy

Farewell, adieu, I’m to be born anew.

Come now, I’ll show you how,

Won’t you see my world now?

 

I’m awake now, so, it’s all real now,

I’ve escaped dear, I’ll never leave here,

Come search for me, in memory

Farewell, Adieu, I’ve been born anew,

Go now, I showed you how,

Won’t you find your world now?

As promised, I went back to the lyrics from the post a couple of weeks ago. They fleshed out a little darker than I envisioned, but I like how what I write often writes itself and have no complaints. I feel like I have got what I needed to out for this, and is further testament to a twisted mind living in fantasies. Feel free to let me know what you think. This will be the second creative written work I have shared since ‘Twisted’ back in March.

 P.S.: I must also drop a big thank you to JM (A Moderately Obnoxious Serb) for all of her encouragement and support in creative endeavors. If you haven’t already checked out her blog, I’d recommend it. 

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Nothing To Say

What a cop out, right?

As I find myself growing more and more disinterested in other people (and most other things really), I suppose it isn’t such a surprise that I have less to say. I find myself just putting rhymes together in my head, or trying to turn over the story plot I’m working on for a new angle to work with or a new element to add to the mix.

Just erase me, then, reanimate me. 

I’ve no stake here, I’ll take my leave dear,

Traverse the seas. Come fantasy

Farewell, adieu, I’m to be born anew.

Come now, I’ll show you how,

Won’t you see my world now?

292789b1ba34dc1bbe18a1a369abdf31Stuff like that. Maybe I could flesh that out at some point, as I have so little else to offer at present. I’ll put it with the other ifs and maybes – with any luck it will topple the pile and I will feel obliged to sort through some of them. #ProcratinationHero

I’ve not even looked into any new music at all over the last 2 weeks. This isn’t the end of the world, I’ve been listening to the same stuff really from my last two lists but it does mean that there is no Tunesday this week. Boo hoo!

Okay, I promise I will work on something over the next few days. Well, we will. Credit where credit is due, it’s always a team effort, is it not? For those readers confused by this (or my more frequent guests who were/are a little late to the party)…. Your doting author is made up of Me, Myself and I. Each have their own intentions, but mostly we’re on the same side now. We just sometimes play rough. But enough about all that. You can go back to the NobodyMusings origins yourself if you want to catch up (here is probably the best place to start, perhaps here if you don’t enjoy  random lyric vomit).

Anyway, I am going to keep this brief. It’s almost midnight, and I’m exhausted. It’s also only Monday – I need to sleep some time away.

Sleep well.

Listening To: Human – Three Days Grace

human

Image Source: Google Images

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